You will become as small as your controlling desire,
or as great as your dominant aspiration.
Somber sky, the patter of rain on the window off and on all day, miraculous imaginings, quiet longings, solitude.
I should have brushed the leaves from the front steps yesterday as I thought to do, but I was tired from the days walk. Maybe one of my housemates will do it on the next clear day. Not likely. One good thing about the rain is that the leaf blowers aren't out filling the neighborhood with their ugly noise.
I have no exoteric duties today. The apartment is cold, not enough heat comes up. I have to call the landlord. It can wait.
It's good to be in. I have books to read and music to hear. Right now it's a Mahler symphony. (Who's he?) I have enough food, plenty of coffee and cigarettes and the young woman in the computer who tells me when I have email, who always surprises me because I rarely get any. The phone is turned off because the only calls I get are from the credit card companies wanting their money, which they will all get eventually.
I do have duties. I have to work on my Brian story. I like to stay ahead. I think some of the readers have gotten bored with it lately. I don't get anywhere near the comments I used to get. Maybe they gave up and stopped reading it, which is too bad because it is about to get very frightening and they won't know why.
And I also have my thoughts. I learned how to deal with regrets. I just don't think about them. I think ahead. I think about my writing and my painting, and I plan for them. Amazing things can be done on a rainy afternoon.
I live a solitary life, no romance, no one to care for, no one to listen to and to tell that she doesn't look fat in that dress. I wouldn't mind a little romance, but I guess it isn't a necessity.
There are things missing from this afternoon. I wish I was a better man. I wish I was a better artist. I wish I could astonish myself.
I have no friends here to visit with and bounce ideas with. I know a few answers, but I know a lot more questions. My ideas bounce back at me like a rubber ball.
There is a desperately important need to mine the mentality of the universe. Every moment spent not doing that is discarded treasure.