Friday, September 18, 2009

Precious Pursuits 9/18/09

12:04:43 AM EDT

Precious Pursuits

Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

Thomas Paine

Ode To The Monkey Wrencher

When I was in the 5th grade my homeroom teacher was Mr. O' Conner, the school's science teacher (remember that). One day he asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I was very interested in Astronomy at the time and said I wanted to be the first man on the moon. He said that I was being stupid because man could never go to the moon.

You want to do what? You want to build a pyramid in the desert? Forget it. It can't be done
What are those things? Beans? What are they for? Food? You don't expect me to eat that stuff do you? Don't grow those. Use the land for grazing cattle. Feed your beans to the pigs. If people are dying of starvation, let them. It's their own damn fault.

There is no other way to the spices, Mr. Columbus. That's a proven fact. Others have tried it and never came back. You and your ships will be lost at sea just like the rest.

You can't sail around the earth, Mr. Magellan, because the earth is flat. The Bible even says so. It refers to the four corners of the earth. Now it wouldn't have corners on it if it was round, would it? Stay home.

Don't translate the Bible into English, Your Majesty. If you do that people are going to start reading it for themselves and they'll stop going to church to hear the priest explainit to them.

What are you talking about Mr. Adams? We are Englishmen. If we try to separate ourselves from the benevolent British throne we won't survive.

Emancipate the slaves? You've got to be kidding, Mr. Lincoln. Everyone know that the Negros aren't intelligent enough to take care of themselves. They'll be all over the country taking up jobs. And if they try to educate themselves, God forbid, they'll be taking up space in the schools that the white boys should have. They're better off where they are.

Give women the vote?!! That one really makes me laugh, Miss Anthony. If women had the vote they'd be electing themselves to Congress. The first thing you know they'd be knitting and making doilies and gossiping with each other instead of tending to the business of the county. No, no. Let them stay in the kitchen where they belong.

I don't care how much pointless investigating you've done, Mr. Freud, you're only trying to find excuses for people's behavior and letting them get away with it. Face it. There is no subconscious mind. What you see is what you get.

Now what are you boys up to? You're trying to build a machine that flies? That's a crazy idea. If God had meant us to fly He would have given us wings. Go fly a kite and then go back to making bicycles.

It's a cute idea Mr. Ford but it will never replace the horse and carriage. Besides, Doctors have proven that the human body can't travel any faster than 8 miles an hour without destroying its inner organs.

You want to build a rocket ship to fly to the moon? What for? So we can walk on it? Don't be daft. Man can never go to the moon. Mr. O'Connor told me so. You've been seeing too many science fiction movies.

Now what are you doing? Oh, trying to chart a human genetic code are you? What a waste of time and money. There is no such thing. We are what we eat.

You, over there, what's that? A what? A wheel? What does it do? It goes around? Great. So what? What use is it? To move things? Come on. Leave that hunk of junk alone and go hitch up that wildebeest if you want to move something.

Thank you Mr. O'Conner.

DB - The Vagabond

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