Thursday, September 17, 2009

Quit Question 9/17/09

12:06:36 AM EDT

Quit Question

An apology might help,
but you can change you life without one.

Robin Quivers

None of us should ever be tailgated by regrets and bad memories. It is not in my nature not to forgive people who have done me wrong. It just isn't. I can be competitive, but I don't go looking for revenge. Vengeance is one of those mortal sins that many people feel they have a moral right to. It's what starts wars and keeps them going. Though forgiving my enemies is often difficult, it is easy compared to the effort of forgiving myself.

How can I wipe out the effect on me of the memories of all the stupid, cruel and thoughtless things I've done. Don't look back, the wizards say. But how can I help it when something will trigger a memory that suddenly attacks me like a mosquito. I can slap a mosquito., but not a regret.

In every regret there's a lesson. But there is also a fear. If I am placed in a similar circumstance will I do the same thing again? Was it just an accident that made that thing happen, or is it a trait.

It's very troublesome that I can't go back and apologize to the people I hurt. And that makes it very difficult to shake off the regret. I can only hope that those people understand in some way that I was on a detour from a particular journey of my own, and not out to get them, as I understand that those who hurt me were, no doubt, responding to something in themselves that had little to do with me. A bully may get the better of me, but I know he will immediately go looking for someone else to get the better of.

I think the only solution is to chew upon and digest the lessons that come from my bad and regretful behavior and to shine a light on myself to observe the motivations that made me act that way, and replace them with better ones. That means understanding myself.

I think I've already done that to some extent. And you knew what? It's not so bad.


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